Maybe It’s Your Vagina Radio Play

Your vagina?

Your vagina?

Boss: Julie, you wanted to see me?

Julie: Yes Mr. Van Hoet. I’m afraid that I’m going to have to resign from my position here at the company. Here’s my letter of resignation.

Silence for a few seconds. We hear Papers being ruffled, phones ringing in the background. Boss makes hmm noises.

Boss: This surprises me Julie. I mean, you seem to be doing so well. The boys all really think you’re doing a bang up job. You seem happy here. Are you?<b

Julie: Mr. Van Hoet, I am happy here, but I have to leave for… personal reasons.

More silence

Boss: Personal reasons…Julie if there’s anything you need to talk about, just let me know. I told you when you started that my door is always open…

Julie: I know, but I have so much going on in my life right now. I just don’t have the strength to deal with this job and my problems. I need to solve this on my own. It’s nothing you could help with.

Boss: OK, but sometimes a sympathetic ear can really take some of the emotional burden off of your shoulders.

Julie: Mr. Van Hoet, don’t take this the wrong way, but really I hardly know you. I know that you try your best to be a good manager. But really aside from when you hired me, this is the longest we’ve ever spoken.

Pause

Boss: I see.

Silence.

Julie: I think it would be best if I just left.

Boss: Julie, wait. I just had a thought…Does this have anything to do with…your vagina.

Pause

Julie: excuse me.

Boss: Your vagina, your vagina, does this have anything to do with your vagina.

Julie: I’m sorry, …are you kidding?

Boss: No I’m not.

Julie: You really are seriously asking this question?

Boss: Well my wife has problems with her vagina sometimes. That’s usually the root of all females problems isn’t it. I just thought that you may be having problems with…your vagina.

Julie: I can’t believe I’m hearing this. If you’re seriously questioning me as to whether I’m quitting because of “problems with my vagina” then, my god, you are a total sexist bastard. If you’re kidding…If you are kidding, or trying to make light of my situation or something, or whatever the hell it is you’re trying to do, then I just don’t know what to think.

Boss: I’m just trying to reach out to you, Julie, don’t you see that…Are you sure it’s not…your vagina.

Julie: No, it’s not my vagina!

Boss: Are you sure you’re not in denial. I’ve read about denial. You may be in denial…about your vagina that is.

Julie(yells): Oh my god! I can’t believe this!<

Boss: That’s good Julie let it out. Here’s a tissue. Let it all out.

Julie: I’m not going to cry. The only thing I have to let out is my shock and suprise! You pig!

Boss: Maybe you’re not ready for the grieving process yet. Most women like to have a good cry at times like this, but every body’s different. You know I’ve read that the second stage of acceptance is anger. Maybe you’re in the anger stage. Are you sure you’re not angry about your vagina.

Julie: For the last time no, it’s not about my vagina! I came in here to quit. Are you going to accept my resignation or not?

Boss: I can’t accept this until you admit that it’s all about your vagina.

Julie: Listen here Carl! I don’t know what type of stupid game you’re playing here. I don’t know if you’re getting some sort of sick pleasure out of this bullshit, but I need you to sign that fucking resignation letter so I can take it fucking upstairs to personnel and fucking quit!

Boss(in a stern voice): Julie, I’m going to tell you something in confidence. You know, I have certain issues as well.

Julie(deadpan): What, with your penis.

Boss: Well,…Yes…as a matter of fact…my balls sometimes too.

Julie makes a stifled snort laugh, like a spit-take.

Julie:(laughing) Your balls sometimes too.

More laughing

Julie(laughing): Oh my god. You’re serious. My life is falling apart around me, and you really think…Wait, you have me going, right? This has to be a joke. This is the most ludicrous conversation I’ve ever had. I can’t believe you’d be serious.

Boss (starting to gently sob): I have feelings too you know. Just because you have a problem with your vagina doesn’t mean that you can…that other people don’t have their own problems with their own genitals…I extend a hand to you and you laugh in my face. I know your vagina is hurting in some way, but that’s no excuse to lash out.

Boss sobbing

Boss: You may not know this but I have a very fragile penis.

Julie: Ohhh Kayyy. (Deadpan): Are your balls fragile too?

Boss: All right, that’s enough. I give up. I’m through trying to help you. You are so confused. I feel so sorry for you.

Julie: Don’t feel sorry for me, you’re the one with the delicate dick.

Boss: I really thought I could help you with your vagina. I really though I’d be able to reach you, but you’re just too far gone.

Julie: Yeah, um, would you please sign my resignation so I can get out of your office?

Boss: Yes, I’ll sign it. But before I do I want you take this.

Sound of a drawer opening and closing.

Julie: It’s hand lotion.

Boss: It’s very soothing. When things get really bad, I want you to rub some on your vagina, and everything will seem so much better.

Julie: Oh my god. Just sign the damn resignation.

Boss: As you wish.

Scribbling sounds.

Paper sounds.

Julie: Great. I hope I never see you again you piece of shit vermin.

Boss: I just want you to know, I’m feeling really hurt and vulnerable right now…Before you go, would you…rub some of that lotion on my penis?

Julie: Ugh!

A door slams.